To Sort Out My Confusion
by sctwilightvampwolfgal
Summary: It took me weeks to figure out why I want to talk to him more though now that I know, I must talk to him about it even if he will never return my feelings.
1. Chapter 1

I know now what I didn't realize the day that I'd first laid eyes on Bell Cranel, and it was not something all that easy to figure out.  
I'd spent weeks puzzling over exactly what I felt, why I wanted to know more about him, why I wanted to speak with him, why it felt so amazing to help him train.

I've never felt like I've been so out of control with any situation as the way that Bell makes me feel as I know that I've yet to really be the sort to have any chance for him to be mine; he couldn't even speak to me for the longest time.

I'm not the jealous type, because I know this and yet it's almost strange in a normal way to see how close he is to his goddess and those that met him before me.

It's weird to see the way the twins treat him, the way he fumbled was adorable though didn't seem quite right; I'm not emotional, and it's taken me forever to realize how exactly I feel about him, why I longed to really know him.

I have no words to express to him how much I just want something with him though I'm not the sort for affection or for anything more intimate than that; I've never been someone to long to get to know someone like this.

I think that I'll need to let him know despite the fact that I'm well aware that I'm not at all permitted to be with someone from another familia, and I know that Loki would not approve for her star, her sword princess, to ever be with someone that is not her.

I'm not oblivious to her affection though it is not something easy to handle, and while I pay close attention to others, their emotions are still often lost to me.

I just hope that he'll be able to understand when I press closer and hope that we'll at least talk about what I feel even though I still do not like talking about my feelings in general; I want to at least give this a try and work something out even though it may just be a closer friendship as he has others in his life.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm not a coward in the least as I've faced terrible monsters single handedly and wiped the floor with them.

I'm not weak either yet I wonder for a moment, hesitating, staring into red eyes, how to really find the words to tell him how I feel.

He's silly in an almost childlike way yet I find that I like that about him; I adore how even if he fumbles, he stays true to himself.

I take a deep breath, eyeing the way he so easily comes to relax beside me, easily adjusting this old routine we'd started, stopped, and managed to pick back up again.

I thrill over pretending, over teaching him even though he practically doesn't need it anymore, and I like staying close to him like this, watching the way he looks at me even though I still don't understand that yet.

I've never fallen in love before, and I still don't quite understand the sacrifice or exactly how to make something valuable out of social interaction, out of something that's changed from friendship to something just a little bit different.

I wonder if he can guess how I feel; is it obvious when I look at him now, what I've only recently come to understand?

"Bell," I mutter, standing confidently as if he's some monster to slay as I stare into his red eyes, emotions that swirl in them lost on me, "I want to tell you something."

He stands, half as if he realizes that this is important, could change his life though probably not in the way that my heart seems to want it to, "Yes?"

I wonder if he realizes the whisper soft way that that single word tumbled out of his lips.

"I like you as something more than a friend." How does anyone find the way to explain this feeling that builds up until it becomes too much?

"Like what?" His eyes look almost hopeful as if he's imagining the answer to his own question and likes the possibility of it, the taste of it on his tongue.

"I like you as one might like her boyfriend." Are these the right words as they leave my mouth, do they say all that I want them too?

"You do?" He doesn't seem to understand even though I thought that I made sense to him.

"I do." The words feel flat on my tongue as if there is no real meaning to them, just weak affirmations that clearly don't say as much as they should.

"I-I," He takes a deep breath, "I like you too, but..." Bell's eyes look everywhere, but at me which makes my heart do strange motions in my chest that hurt more than I'd realized they could; it's sort of what I expected, so it doesn't faze me as it probably should.

"But?" I prod, knowing that it might be a little hard to handle like the feelings that slowly grew stronger in my chest since I met Bell, and I don't want to leave the conversation here.

"I have something to tell you." Bell wrings his hands together and carefully tries to tug them away.

"What do you have to tell me?" I nearly shift my weight from one foot to another under the gentle burden of my heart twisting in my chest.

"Well," He pauses, staring further away from me before speaking again, "I am sort of..." Bell's eyes wander aimlessly. "I am dating more than one person, and so they know."

My mind blanks; I don't have any words for this at all as I stare into red eyes that remind me so much right now of a frightened bunny that scurries out of a stranger's yard.

"I," I take a deep breath, trying to find the best way to respond to him, "They know?"

"That I am with both of them, they sort of agreed to it, and they know that I really like you too." Bell shifts, eyes far away, as he speaks to me now.

"You're dating both of them, and they are okay with that?" I may not understand romance all that well, but I've never heard of anything at all like that working out. I don't know what this could mean for me.

"Yeah, they said that they would make it work, and so we all try to make it work together." Bell finally meets my eyes again after so long, still with that frightened bunny look.

"Okay." I murmur, watching the way he looks at me, deciding that that look in his eyes was probably something along the lines that he liked me.

"I'll have to ask them." He bites his lip, making him appear more helpless than I've almost ever seen him.

"Okay." I wonder if I'm saying that one word too much; I don't have any idea what else I can say, not to this, and if my heart wasn't burning so much, I'd ask him to not let me in.

I just want this burning to stop or for the world to make sense like it did before I met Bell Cranel and started to fall in love.


	3. Chapter 3

Bell comes to me with surety in his step, a kind of quiet confidence that if it were mine, I'd understand well.

We couldn't meet up for the past few days; Bell was busy. It feels odd to stand here and wonder what he'll say to me, like I've changed everything, and in some ways, I probably have.

He smiles at me, looking less like the frightened bunny that I'd saw last time we talked and much happier.

I tried to smile back, but I'm not sure if it worked; my stomach is tangled up in a series of knots, and I feel sick.

I'm not sure that I'll be able to practice with Bell today, but my eyes watch him step closer as if they were trained just to do that.

"Aiz?" Bell's smile doesn't falter, "They said that we can try."

My heart capsizes in my chest and expands; it feels funny. The knots are untangling; I don't feel sick anymore.

"Okay." I don't know what to say other than that, but Bell smiles and for whatever reason, I feel as if that's all that we needed in the moment.

"Do you want to meet up with us tonight? We're going to the Benevolent Mistress today for dinner, and Hestia said that she really wants you there." He looks younger again in that moment and the sparkle flees his eyes.

"Yeah." I mutter, wondering why it suddenly feels like we're locked in a small, enclosed space together or drowning in the sea; it doesn't at all feel right for Bell's eyes to look like that or for us to struggle to find the words to say.

"Thank you." Bell smiles, and it's radiant.

"You're welcome." Were there better words to say than those ones; I'm not sure.

"I'll have to tell my goddess." I finally admit; a part of me already knows that she'll say, 'no,' and that by itself makes my heart ache.

"Okay." Bell looks sort of like that frightened bunny again, but it's not quite fear that lights up his eyes now.


	4. Chapter 4

My legs are squared and my shoulder is firm and resolute as I stare into Loki's eyes, trying to find the words that will explain why I want to speak with her.

Her eyes narrow on my dress that looks kind of silly on me, I know; it's innocent and lighthearted, isn't good for fighting in the least, and almost makes me seem quietly weak. I hate it, but it's all that I know to wear even though it's brand new; the girl at the shop complimented me, but now I can't believe it anymore as I look into my goddess's eyes.

"Aiz, what is it that you want to say?" Her eyes are trained on me, the way that they always are, as if only now she can afford to let her attention pivot to only one person in the world.

"I," My breath catches in my throat for half a second, I ignore it, and press on, "am going on a date today." I think it's a date as it cannot be anything else, but I don't know of who goes on a four person date like this, and that alone makes me wonder if it's the right word at all.

"No, you're not." Loki suddenly looks much older than I've ever seen her like finally her familia or her sword princess have just worn her out for good.

"I must." My breath hitches, but I've never been a quitter even under the steely eyes of my goddess, "I promised him."

"Who is he?" Loki stands tall, unafraid of anything I have to say; she was never made to be a quitter either.

"Bell Cranel." I keep my head up, my eyes are hard and unrelenting.

"The level one adventurer? The frightened bunny rabbit that is clearly in love with his goddess?" The words are spoken harshly, and I feel the reminder that Bell can't be with me for we are from two different familias.

"Yes." I can't deny the last statement, the fact that he admitted that he was also seeing his goddess suddenly stings even though I never knew it could before; why now when I'm standing in front of my goddess trying to leave to see him?

"Aiz, you know what you can't have." Loki's eyes find my own again, and I wonder why she's so stubborn now and yet so worn though she's made known enough to me how she sees me, how much she cares about me.

"Loki." My voice is flat; I know what I wan't even though the words often fail me, and I can't quite find the words to explain them.

Something in her seems to snap finally at just the sound of her name; I don't know why she's suddenly reaching out for me or why she wraps me in her arms.

Loki tightens her hold on me before she lets go and watches me, just watches me, before finally she finds the words to explain this bizarre initiation of physical contact.

"Take me with you." It's a gentle, quiet command, and if I were someone else perhaps I'd know where it came from, but for now, I have no idea why she longs for this; isn't it supposed to hurt or something of the sort and not fester this strange branch of confidence that I can see in the way she stands though her eyes look different. I don't get why her eyes look old and wise, but her posture implies utmost confidence.

"Why?" It's flat, but it's all that I know to say.

"I don't think that I can give you up just yet." Her eyes look past me which irks me in some way, and suddenly she's staring straight at me, "I want to know this boy better that makes you feel so strongly for him."

The words don't feel right to me, but my throat has dried up, and I can't quite find the words to counter her anyway.

"Okay." I'm not sure if it's the right answer or how Bell will feel to see another goddess there, but I don't know what else to do when my goddess suddenly stares at me as if she's much older than she normally acts and as if she's losing everything in some barren place.

I watch the way that she slowly smiles and the way that her eyes find me and watch me with the most serene look on her face, and I still can't quite believe that my goddess went from upset to strangely happy.

What's going on inside Loki's head, because I can't quite grasp this sudden change of pace?


	5. Chapter 5

Green is not a color that I'd normally pick out for myself; I am fond of my blue and white armor and dress. I'm not quite sure that green is the color for me, even as Loki looks over the dress that the shop keeper had assured me would be a great pick with my skin tone and just as a way to hint at the 'my' beauty without going over the top. I don't know if I quite believe her, even as Loki looks me over, and smiles.

The rush to my chest must be reassurance; I must not look as awful as I figured that I did.

I take a deep breath, and I let out the words that I had not prepared myself to say to my goddess at all, "He's not the only one there."

"His goddess wouldn't let you date alone, either?" Loki's words are sharp, sharper than I'd thought that they would be.

"No," I steady my breathing; the hardest things to say, should be the ones that come out the calmest. "He's dating more than one person." I'm not sure, how she'll take that, even as I look up and see a flicker of surprise in her eyes. It's hard to imagine, and I'm just as lost as she is, right now.

"Ahh..." Loki's eyes flash with some kind of emotion that I can't quite work out, as she lays a surprisingly gentle hand across my shoulder, "Are you sure about this, Aiz?" The question floors me. I would never have expected that from Loki.

"Y-Yeah." I doubt that I have much of a say in the matter, because clearly everyone else is okay with it. I'm still not a jealous person though, so I figure that it doesn't matter that much. Weird, yes, but not weirder than I could probably handle.

"You could have always told him, no." Her voice goes surprisingly soft, as she reaches out for me. "Don't forget that. If he's forcing you, you can back away." Loki's almost never soft, even with her affections, and just looking up at her, I don't see the hardy goddess that never falls apart, that's always strong, even when she's angry or possessive or even flustered. Something is much different about her, now.

"I know." I suppose that I've always known that, but Bell isn't at all the type to be forceful, perhaps that's why I've fallen in love with him.


	6. Chapter 6

The bar is like it always is. I don't expect anything different, and yet it almost feels different as raucous adventurers boast of their victories, and some people, here, are alone in the quiet of their thoughts. Perhaps, this is not a normal day for an adventurer to step in, and yet they quiet when I walk in with Loki, and then begin to whisper amongst themselves as they always do when I show up.

I walk up to one of the tables with the most people; Bell's sitting there in a nice suit with a bowtie, that somehow reminds me that his colors are both pale and invigorating, and it's not hard to wonder why people refer to him as a rabbit, as the white brings the rabbit-like colors into stark focus.

His eyes grow wide, just to see Loki there, and I know that I should explain something, say anything, but Loki is always quicker to react.

"I couldn't let my Sword Princess come alone, now could I?" She bristles to see Hestia, though she expected her, and I finally look over at the other person at Bell's table. It's his supporter, little Lili, I believe. She's dressed in a purple dress that must be new, even as she ducks her head and looks over at Bell. Somehow, though she knew I would come, she seems unsure of how to speak to me for a moment, unsure of where she sits.

"You could of." Hestia grumbles, though she tries to smile at me a beat later. It's forced, and I don't doubt that she doesn't mean it.

"Hi." Bell mutters, as if somehow the room is too much for him, but he motions to the extra seat at the table, the one just between Hestia and Lili. Loki moves to grab herself a chair, not caring if it's a little work, or that she's one of two people here in a suit. She's uninterested in looking like everyone else would assume her to be.

"Hi." I repeat, and sit down, though Loki motions for me to move closer to Hestia, so that she can move her chair beside Lili.

"If you don't mind," Loki starts, "I want into your deal, but not to be with Bell, but to be with Aiz. She's rightfully my child, and I refuse to simply give her away the way that I thought I would."

I don't know why I'm surprised; of course, Loki would not want to see me leave into such an unusual arrangement, without taking part.

"I mind." Hestia answers, but Bell just frowns, thinking for another moment.

"I don't see why not, if-if Aiz, is okay with it, that is." He stammers, and I imagine that something like relief probably floats through him too. I won't have to leave this arrangement before I even really begin. I'm still not sure what to think of it, but somehow, I know that Bell probably has the final say on this, as far as letting me stay, regardless of the price. Maybe my confusion might last a little longer than I'd like.


End file.
